new year.

just a few goals for 2010 :
drink more water. seriously. it's not that hard.
exercise in the am.
read one book per month. at least.
read my bible ten minutes a day. AT LEAST.
save money.
love.
enjoy.

there's more i need to write. but three people are texting me at once and my only excuse for it being 5:00 and not having showered nor exercised is that an extremely lazy alien took over my brain for the day. ooops.

cheers to your new year.

i know that i have faults. but i also know that i am grateful. i am appreciative. i am so thankful for everything God has blessed me with. i need to know that i am not crazy. that i feel this way for a reason. that moving is the right thing to do. that i shouldn't have to deal with this. i shouldn't be treated like this.

personal and professional lines are blurred.
mind games.
control.
tension.
pettiness.
judgmental.
critical.
selfish.
possessive.

i don't think i'm crazy. and i think that she knew what she was talking about when she said that there were "things."

sex god.

it's always about something else.

the writer of Genesis makes it clear that in all of creation there is something different about humans.  they aren't God, and they aren't going to become God, but in some distinct, intentional way, something of God has been placed in them.  we reflect what God is like and who God is.  a divine spark resides in every single human being.

everybody, everywhere. bearers of the divine image.

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in the books of Psalms, it's written: "the Lord has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all."  to the Jewish mind, heaven is not a fixed, unchanging geographical location somewhere other than this world.  heaven is the realm where things are as God intends them to be.  the place where things are under the rule and reign of God.  and that place can be anywhere, anytime, with anybody.

we can live however we want. we can choose to live under the rule and reign of God, or we can choose to rebel against God and live some other way.

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something serious - something hellish - happens when people are treated as objects, and we should resist it at all costs.

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new humanity :  all of the things that separate us or that make us different no longer matter because this new commonality, this new bond is simply bigger than what previously kept us apart (race, background, wealth, socio- economic status, worldview, religion). 

the new humanity is about seeing people as God sees them.

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some excerpts from sex god that tugged at my heart strings.

wowza.

i really thought i was going to continue writing this time. haha. but i took like almost a two month break. go me! anyways, i've just been feeling the need to journal lately. i think it makes me feel better a lot of the time. and i don't know why, but i've been kind of strangely unhappy lately. nothing in particular is bothering me. just a bunch of little things that i most likely shouldn't stress over. but... i tend to do that. how lame of me. seriously, i didn't think i was one of those people. i picture myself as a pretty chill person but in reality i don't think that's the case.

so i hurt my back somehow. and i haven't been able to run for a couple days. i'm miserable! i think i really appreciated my healthy body and would thank God occasionally for my health and fitness, but i know i'll be even MORE grateful once i am fixed! i hate wanting to work out and not being able to. it's the worst.

it's kind of made me think about things though. for the most part, i am a very healthy girl. and i have a good life. and i am capable of doing many, many different things. but sometimes i literally don't know where my time went. am i doing all that i could? what am i doing for myself and for others and for God? how am i spending my time? am i happy? i just feel like i should be doing more. other things besides working. so i've started making a list of things i want to work on. some of them i have started, but i need to continue. i need some motivation and a few reminders. i just want to enjoy this wonderful life more. this isn't the finished list, but it is a start!

first, i want to learn how to cook and bake.
i'm already taking on the baking with my new cupcake obsession. haha.
but i also want to take some of my mom's awesome recipes and cook some stuff.
i want to be able to come home and make myself a great dinner and not have to rely on someone else.

i also want to volunteer more. i'm not sure what exactly i could do. but maybe Christ's table. and the animal shelter. maybe even the art community that our studio just joined will have some things for me to do. i just want to help other people more. i think that'd make me really happy.

i want to at some point, find a really big, thick journal that i can use to document images and people that inspire me. i should be getting a polaroid camera here soon and if i can manage to find some film that might work out perfectly for this. i think it could help me with my job and maybe bring out different sides of my personality and creativity.

painting is a no brainer. i obviously loooove it and i think i have some potential, i if i do say so myself. it's also a great form of worship. i love singing along to brooke fraser and looking to Him for inspiration.

yogaaaaa. i did this last week before i reeeally hurt my back and it is so relaxing. i love the meditation, not to mention it's good for my flexibility since i am a runner.

i want to get back in the habit of reading the bible daily. so what if i get confused sometimes and don't really understand what's going on. i believe it's good for my soul. just reading in general. i seriously looove it. but sometimes when i work all day it just feels like a chore to exercise my brain even more. i want it to be fun again.

getting my butt out of bed earlier. which also means going to sleep earlier. i think i'm perfectly capable of doing this. i just have to be kind of strict about it. no late night movies. i know that if i do it, i'll feel ten times better. times ten. plus, it'll help me get my work out in earlier. which means more leisure time after work.

pray more. i used to have an open conversation with God all day long. but those are the kind of things you have to work at. you have to learn to be present in each moment and invite him into your life and the decisions that you make and all the little things that you do. i want that again. because i climb in bed to say all the things i want to say and i normally fall asleep before i can finish.

learn to control my cravings of all things. let me just say it. this fatty could use some will power. haha.

i know i have a lot more to add to this list, but for now i will end with - write on this blog more. or write somewhere more. anywhere. i don't care. just keep track of how you're feeling. vent. stay SANE! haha. these are all reasonable goals. i'll try to keep you - as in myself - posted on my progress.

appleberrycrisp.

on this beautiful day i dragged myself out of bed for my morning run.  and yet again ran into some questionable characters on the trail. so odd. on my way to work i looked down at my gas tank for the third time, knowing very well i wasn't going to make it.. so i was a little late. had to take the long route. i hate forgetting to fill up my tank. it's not like i don't have the money, that's the annoying part. the rest of my day just went really slow and was relatively non-eventful. it would have been considered a bad day if i hadn't gotten off early. i was sooo happy. changed my day around. oh, and i don't have to go in until one tomorrow. :) which means i can get my beauty sleep, still have time to work out, and pick up the house before my mom returns from oklahoma. on the agenda for tonight : another run or at least some P90x... and then jared is coming over to make some apple berry crisp. my specialty! i'm so ready to just relax and have no proof sets or anything to do.

one thing that's on my mind. talking to my friend today, who will remain name-less. and he had the nerve to tell me that he's a better friend to me than i am to him. which honestly, just straight up isn't true. no one reads this beside myself so i really have no reason to fib. i have always been there for this kid. and although he lives across the country, i think i do a pretty good job keeping in touch with him considering i have a full time job and am often extremely busy. it just really upset me. he doesn't have a job right now. so i feel like because he has all of this time to devote to our friendship and i don't, suddenly he's a better friend than me. that's ridiculous. guh.

i feel like i'm not saying everything that i should.

soon.

baby steps.

i can't believe i'm actually doing this.  i'm not sure if i've entirely committed to it in my mind just yet.  but i guess it won't hurt to try.  it's been such a long time since i've attempted to display my feelings through words.  it used to come so naturally.  now i feel a little self-conscious.  a little guarded.  not wanting to say too much in fear of... what?  what is it exactly that i'm afraid of?  i know how to be myself.  and i think for the most part i've pretty much accepted myself.  so what's the problem?
maybe i just feel like all the words have been taken. everything there is to say has been said. who doesn't have a blog these days? who isn't out there wanting someone to pay attention to them, take a closer look?  well, i can't let that get to me.  this is for no one else.  just me. and i think it'll be a bit of a stress reliever.  so, here goes.

let's start of with something simple.
like my morning run. it was actually really chilly out there this morning.  i only had enough time to do three miles.  and about half a mile down the trail,  i saw a big maroon van pull in.  which is odd, because you're not supposed to see cars on a community bike path. i got a little scared, i must admit.  and i saw a couple kids climb out.  kids as in teenagers.  i kept running and the van was taking up the majority of the path and then two guys were just standing in the only little sliver i had left to run.  they moved just in time. it was awkward and they smelled like smoke.  anyways, i think they were some juvenile delinquents or something.  trimming up the brush on the side of the trail.
you know what the best thing is about a chilly morning run? coming home with your cold nose and your numb fingers and taking a steaming hot shower.  there's nothing like it.

the high light of my day was probably when brittany was flailing about the studio uncontrollably to some crazy music the leather man was playing.  it made me really happy.  and i grinned really wide and my eyes started to water from laughing so hard.  it just made me forget about anything and everything i was worrying about.  i like those moments.

dinner was tasty.  spaghetti squash with lamb and mushrooms and tomato sauce.  plus a greek salad i accidentally poured way too much lemon-garlic dressing on.  it was intense.  i can still taste it.

i wanted to go on a walk this evening.  but jared and i just watched office space.  and now it's 10:37 and i have to be up early and i'm pretty tired anyway.  hopefully tomorrow.

it may not be everything i want it to be.  but i'm just warming up.  getting my toes wet.

and regardless of how down i get sometimes, i'm really thankful.  thankful for this wonderful and blessed life God has given me.  He continually amazes me.