heartbroken.

i feel like nobody can understand me right now. i'm sure there are people out there somewhere who do. but in my own life. i feel like i have nobody. that i can lean on or that i can talk to or not talk to and they would just get me. i don't know how i got here. i'm not sure what to do next. i just know what not to do. and it hurts so badly. i hope that i get better soon. it's making this whole broken hearted thing ten times worse.

late night ramblings.

this wasn't planned and i don't even know what i'm about to say i just felt the need to write. today was such a weird day for me. i felt so many different emotions and i don't understand why. i am cleaning my room and was just about to watch ugly betty when i just stopped and decided to get some things off my chest. what is it exactly? what is bothering me so much? is it my relationship with jared? is it my lack of female friends? is it my body issues? i think first i will address the latter. i have had a serious self esteem problem for many years. i remember trying not eat when i was in high school. and i had an obsession with exercising. i also thought i was really ugly. regardless of how many people told me i am beautiful. i know that i am not obsessive anymore. that i lead a very healthy lifestyle and i work hard to look and feel good. and i know longer think i am the ugliest thing out there. making it to the top 50 out of 4000 girls trying out for antm kind of changed that for me. i was told i could model and that i was beautiful. i don't understand how hearing it from strangers actually made it seem a little more real to me. when people i loved had told me that for so long. but i am still so critical. i see things that i don't like. even though i work hard. i eat well. i don't get it. it stirs up all these negative emotions about all aspects of my life and i know that is dangerous. and unhealthy. i really need to pray about it. i want to be at peace with my body and i believe that most days i am. but days like this throw me off track. i also know that things aren't how they used to be with jared. my feelings toward him are so different. i don't feel like they are bad. but they aren't all that great. it's almost as though i feel indifferent towards him. which i think is scarier than either of the other two options. because if i'm indifferent than i could stay here forever. in this place of never being sure. of never being truly happy. of not growing. that is scary to me. i'm trying to work through all this muck and not waste the five years i have spent cultivating this relationship. but maybe we've grown apart. maybe it isn't meant to be. i guess i'm not willing to give up until i can no longer say maybe. i need to be sure. and i think that is legitimate. but fear could keep from admitting it to myself. fear of being alone. fear of starting over. fear of change. if i would have known how i would feel today five years ago, i'm not positive i would have wanted a relationship with anyone. romantic relationships are the most complicated things i have ever encountered. they aren't even things. whatever. i know this was basically just a summary and i didn't go extremely in depth, but it made me feel a little better. i should write more later...... blah. i want to know my purpose. i want to see it loud and clear. spelled out in huge bubble letters in the sky. whispered in my ear before i fall asleep. i need something firm to grasp hold on. something real to cling to. i want to love and be loved. i want to help people. i want to live a passionate life. i want somebody by my side who wants the same things i want. i want to serve Jesus by serving others. i just feel lost.

lately.

a few books that are fresh in my mind.


                                                          the mermaid chair by sue monk kidd.

i really didn't enjoy this very much. at all. i'm trying to figure out how it was a #1 new york time's best seller. i thought the writing was pretty cliche. and it was easy for me to put down. which is rare for me when its comes to books. i normally finish them in one sitting. haha. or you have to pry it from my hands.

the girls by lori lansens

this book touched me in so many ways. my heart and soul. you can't help falling in love with rose and ruby. i won't spoil the story for you but you'll find after reading the first paragraph that these aren't just any sisters and this isn't just any story. a must read.

yesterday was a good day. i should have taken more pictures of my meals. haha. they were so tasty. i do have one though.

not the best lighting ever. but i had the buddha bowl at the northstar cafe. it had organic chicken and organic brown rice in a peanut sauce with bright veggies on top. one word. incredible. my mom got the roasted butternut squash and goat cheese salad. also fabulous. oh and that big chunk of bread on her plate? to die for. 

we just walked around the short north shops and then went to whole foods. we drool every time we are in that store. i got a cute little gerbera daisy. it's a peachy color. we also bought two pussy willows that we will plant outside in a few weeks. 

still a bloomin'.

today is so beautiful. i'll probably go lounge in the grass with a new book. then tonight i'll be in columbus again with some girl frans. what? i actually have friends. that are girls?!?!?! no way. yes way. kind of. hahaha. one is home from college. the other happens to be my neighbor and for some reason we still never see each other. regardless, i am very excited. to have some sort, any sort of female contact excluding my mother. 

also, found some tasty tasty farmer's museli breakfast bread in amish country the other day. i think i might have to make another trip just to buy a loaf. although there is an exotic animal auction there this weekend that my brother is dying to go to. so maybe that will be my excuse. :)

did you know that ohio has the largest population of amish people? is saying "amish people" acceptable? i hope so. haha. 

thoughts.

so i really really really love this. i found it on my sister's page.

there is a measure that maps don't get-
the up and the down of things.
from here to there is all right and plain
enough, two steps to this place, nine steps
to the edge, i see the elevation lines,
of course. but they don't look like Gold Hill.
i know. i've been there. on a map, in lines,
they look more like wrinkles on a knuckle.
but a hill is not made of lines. it's dirt there.
i know what i'm talking about.
though, to be fair, i can see that when i fold my fingers
my knuckles do become little hills.
looking at the scale of the map: the hair
around my knuckles, that would be a small forest.
it's what you are supposed to believe:
one inch equals one mile. just like that.
i'm saying, there is no wet on a map, only ocean
and sea; river, lake, some more words about water.
the word lagoon is there, but without any laughter
at having put that word in the mouth. lagoon.
the map says water, but doesn't say it
differently or oppositely from land.
the map of you is like this, all lines, all
words. so is the great, folded map of me.
all wrinkles. that's the map of us
the world gets, and then believes:
we are what the map is supposed to do.
we are the up and the down of things,
but a map has the folds drawn on, and easy enough.
ours are earned and not flat at all.
you can feel them. it's us, pushed down
in every one of those lines.
our map is flat, but only to the eye.
we are the inside of the lines of the map.
we have folded ourselves into something: a real
word, wetter than this map's water.
the map is everywhere on us.
you and i, that's what we've done to each other.
you can't believe the lines on a map,
but the lines on me,
they're what a map wants to say and can't.
we have made ourselves into where we want
to be, folded ourselves up
in our knees and our knuckles, our necks,
the lines beneath your eyes,
everywhere in the fold of my elbows.
one inch equals one mile: i believe it.
that is us: in our arms, held out,
some days just coming home, just tired,
our arms held out toward each other.
one inch equals one mile: i believe it.
it would not be the first time i have seen such a thing.
-alberto rios


i think i need to read more of his poetry. beautiful. makes me feel things and i'm not even sure what.


two other things i want to research and need to write them down to remind myself later tonight : the amish and craniopagus twins. 


here's me in my new three dollar hoodie from walmart. it is very warm and even though i normally wouldn't wear this color blue i absolutely love it. 

new year.

just a few goals for 2010 :
drink more water. seriously. it's not that hard.
exercise in the am.
read one book per month. at least.
read my bible ten minutes a day. AT LEAST.
save money.
love.
enjoy.

there's more i need to write. but three people are texting me at once and my only excuse for it being 5:00 and not having showered nor exercised is that an extremely lazy alien took over my brain for the day. ooops.

cheers to your new year.

i know that i have faults. but i also know that i am grateful. i am appreciative. i am so thankful for everything God has blessed me with. i need to know that i am not crazy. that i feel this way for a reason. that moving is the right thing to do. that i shouldn't have to deal with this. i shouldn't be treated like this.

personal and professional lines are blurred.
mind games.
control.
tension.
pettiness.
judgmental.
critical.
selfish.
possessive.

i don't think i'm crazy. and i think that she knew what she was talking about when she said that there were "things."

sex god.

it's always about something else.

the writer of Genesis makes it clear that in all of creation there is something different about humans.  they aren't God, and they aren't going to become God, but in some distinct, intentional way, something of God has been placed in them.  we reflect what God is like and who God is.  a divine spark resides in every single human being.

everybody, everywhere. bearers of the divine image.

-------

in the books of Psalms, it's written: "the Lord has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all."  to the Jewish mind, heaven is not a fixed, unchanging geographical location somewhere other than this world.  heaven is the realm where things are as God intends them to be.  the place where things are under the rule and reign of God.  and that place can be anywhere, anytime, with anybody.

we can live however we want. we can choose to live under the rule and reign of God, or we can choose to rebel against God and live some other way.

------

something serious - something hellish - happens when people are treated as objects, and we should resist it at all costs.

------

new humanity :  all of the things that separate us or that make us different no longer matter because this new commonality, this new bond is simply bigger than what previously kept us apart (race, background, wealth, socio- economic status, worldview, religion). 

the new humanity is about seeing people as God sees them.

------

some excerpts from sex god that tugged at my heart strings.