heartbroken.

i feel like nobody can understand me right now. i'm sure there are people out there somewhere who do. but in my own life. i feel like i have nobody. that i can lean on or that i can talk to or not talk to and they would just get me. i don't know how i got here. i'm not sure what to do next. i just know what not to do. and it hurts so badly. i hope that i get better soon. it's making this whole broken hearted thing ten times worse.

late night ramblings.

this wasn't planned and i don't even know what i'm about to say i just felt the need to write. today was such a weird day for me. i felt so many different emotions and i don't understand why. i am cleaning my room and was just about to watch ugly betty when i just stopped and decided to get some things off my chest. what is it exactly? what is bothering me so much? is it my relationship with jared? is it my lack of female friends? is it my body issues? i think first i will address the latter. i have had a serious self esteem problem for many years. i remember trying not eat when i was in high school. and i had an obsession with exercising. i also thought i was really ugly. regardless of how many people told me i am beautiful. i know that i am not obsessive anymore. that i lead a very healthy lifestyle and i work hard to look and feel good. and i know longer think i am the ugliest thing out there. making it to the top 50 out of 4000 girls trying out for antm kind of changed that for me. i was told i could model and that i was beautiful. i don't understand how hearing it from strangers actually made it seem a little more real to me. when people i loved had told me that for so long. but i am still so critical. i see things that i don't like. even though i work hard. i eat well. i don't get it. it stirs up all these negative emotions about all aspects of my life and i know that is dangerous. and unhealthy. i really need to pray about it. i want to be at peace with my body and i believe that most days i am. but days like this throw me off track. i also know that things aren't how they used to be with jared. my feelings toward him are so different. i don't feel like they are bad. but they aren't all that great. it's almost as though i feel indifferent towards him. which i think is scarier than either of the other two options. because if i'm indifferent than i could stay here forever. in this place of never being sure. of never being truly happy. of not growing. that is scary to me. i'm trying to work through all this muck and not waste the five years i have spent cultivating this relationship. but maybe we've grown apart. maybe it isn't meant to be. i guess i'm not willing to give up until i can no longer say maybe. i need to be sure. and i think that is legitimate. but fear could keep from admitting it to myself. fear of being alone. fear of starting over. fear of change. if i would have known how i would feel today five years ago, i'm not positive i would have wanted a relationship with anyone. romantic relationships are the most complicated things i have ever encountered. they aren't even things. whatever. i know this was basically just a summary and i didn't go extremely in depth, but it made me feel a little better. i should write more later...... blah. i want to know my purpose. i want to see it loud and clear. spelled out in huge bubble letters in the sky. whispered in my ear before i fall asleep. i need something firm to grasp hold on. something real to cling to. i want to love and be loved. i want to help people. i want to live a passionate life. i want somebody by my side who wants the same things i want. i want to serve Jesus by serving others. i just feel lost.